Archive for the ‘parenting’ Category

Life is a mystery. Both a beautiful one at times, and a disenchanting one at other times.

Since the beginning of 2010 life here has been mostly disappointing and disenchanting. I’ll recap some of it by pointing to this post.

The rest? Well, the youngest teen in our home was sent to spend half the summer with their other biologic parent (at our expense for the 3rd summer in a row) and the sibling of that teen was left behind here… because that out-of-town parent told that teen not to come out. This is the 1st time the two siblings have ever spent more than a day or 2 apart. The teen away from home visiting the out-of-town parent has been treated to a full court press — a veritable full-time red-carpet campaign to be convinced to go live with that parent. Without the older sibling there, the younger is pretty much a “sitting duck” for the manipulation there.

We shall see, near the end of next week, if that young person actually gets on the plane and returns home as scheduled (and ticketed) or if a whole new drama begins in the lives of the two siblings.


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(from the clever artist at SLAP…)

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We are living life at the speed of crazy around here! There has been so much going on, that in years past I would have been blogging about. But because if this person, and this person, and this person I have greatly scaled back blogging on anything having to do with my family, in addition I “password protected” many posts. However, there are no guarantees with “password protected” posts. Partly because I made the mistake (back when I first needed to “lock down” this blog) of giving a few people that I did not “know” the password. The majority of people who read my blog regularly received the password as soon as all of this happened back in December. But, there were a few who gave me “names” and “emails” who I had never seen read or comment on my blog who asked for the key. And at first I gave that out to a few “unknown” people. But anyone can make up an alias and create a free email account. So I have still been cautious even in the “protected” posts I have written. Having said all of that, I have to share some of the recent insanity. And we shall see if any of those 3 individuals who have trolled my blog are among the “strangers” who got the “key” under an alias. Because they will not be able to HELP themselves but to comment on, print out and mail, or bring up on a phone call — this post. Where do I begin. I have no clue. So much has been happening since the first of the year. Let me start by saying that we are parents who believe in boundaries. We are not “friends” — we are parents. We are not trying to win a popularity contest — we are trying to guide young people safely out of the nest and into adulthood. So much drama with this particular teen’s other joint co-parent who decided they did not want one of their two teens to come out and visit this summer — because they are difficult. (This would definitely shake a troll out of the woodwork if they got the key to this blog under an assumed name). Yes, that teen can be difficult. But that person is still the teen’s biological parent! Then the sibling of that teen spent a long hour in tears on the phone begging their parent to bring that teen out as well this summer and “work things out.” Again, at the speed of crazy, a couple days after that incident — that parent has been threatening “legal action” if the teen (that they told NOT to come out) is not on a plane and coming out this summer. Well, words have meaning — and that teen has decided not to go where they were requested not to go in the first place. Now on to yesterday. So much has happened with one of the teens under our care this year that we have had to more clearly and firmly re-establish boundaries. We have not been at all popular for that. We have locked windows, blocked unmonitored exits, and instituted random “rated-G text message” checks for the cell phones — to name a few. Yesterday was just such a day for one of the cell text spot checks. For the most part the texts were fairly “rated-G.” We are aware that the end of the school year is coming up. We also sense an increasing irritability and urgency within one of the teens to find ways to spend as much time as they can with their suitor. There have been hints at some requests that are going to be made. This alone tells alone us that it is going to be something outside of the boundaries that we would easily be able to say “yes” to. If it were a simple request within the boundaries, the teen would have just come out at asked! Back to the texts. One of the texts within the last few days stated that the suitor in waiting was going to “kill” the parents if we did not say “yes” and allow our teen to do whatever was being planned. Red flag! We talked with one of the suitor’s parents, when we mentioned the “kill” text, that parent noted that behavior had been strange enough with their teen on that end that they had previously taken the young person aside and actually said to them: “you know, this isn’t like a Lifetime movie, you can’t just go kill them and run off with [the teen-love-interest from our home].” Who actually has to SAY that to their teen? Are you for REAL??! This is just crazy. We are taking many actions necessary here to ensure our safety, as well as the virtue of the teens we are raising to adulthood. But seriously, that is some crazy sh*t!

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And Time did tell! Evidently a twenty-five year study shows kids of lesbian couples are the recipients of a great parenting environment in which to be nurtured and reared.

There are many struggles that gay and lesbian families cope with on a regular basis. Such as: not being acknowledged in their communities as “real” families, constant barrage of persecution from ex’s or other family and friends who come to the table with their own acrimony, compounded by the lack of family and relationship protections (“rights”) in our country for non-traditional families — these are just some of the challenges. Granted, all families have challenges! Whether they are comprised of “nuclear” or blended, or LGBT members… safely guiding children to adulthood is not for the faint of heart!

It is nice to get a little good news like this from the “mainstream media” in times like these — in the midst of the tornado that is life lately. No matter how many longitudinal studies there are, there will always be detractors. But for today, it’s nice to have some sort of good news along the long, weary, bumpy journey.

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Till death do us part…  happily ever after… honey I’m pregnant!

Beautiful moments in life, unforgettable snapshots of living, timeless creation of life and love.

What happens when life takes a toll on love, and what once was mystical magical timeless and perfect becomes tears and distance and loss and pain. What a justice of the peace may have joined together, a judge of the court may have to divide asunder. I dare say that no two people who pledge their love and watch their love create life ever believe that their love will end one day–and that  the life that was brought forth from two will ever need to be divided between two (or more).

And yet that is what happens. The, young people, the ones who had nothing to do with the start of the love, or with the demise of the love often find themselves smack dab in the middle and torn.

Reminds me of an ancient tale. The story is told that people from surrounding nations came to hear King Solomon’s wisdom. He composed 3,000 proverbs and 1,005 songs. He wrote the Song of Songs and Ecclesiastes. Although Solomon was a young king, he soon became known for his wisdom. The first and most famous incident of his discernment as a judge was when two women came to his court with a baby whom both women claimed as their own. Solomon threatened to split the baby in half. One woman was prepared to accept the decision, but the other begged the King to give the live baby to the other woman. Solomon then knew the second woman was the real mother.

Another very wise man once said, no matter how amicable any dissolution may start out, they all eventually turn ugly… therefore… get everything in writing. So, I suppose splitting hairs may be wise on some level… but splitting heirs…? (That does not mean that young people shouldn’t love and be loved freely by both of the parents who brought them into the world, rather it more refers to the “splitting” that happens when kids seem to be placed in the middle of the battle). I don’t pretend to have the answers… just more incomplete musings on these life matters this evening…

“Growing up is loosing some illusions, in order to acquire others.”

– Virginia Woolf

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In my life and in my line of work I have seen so much, heard so much… been told about so many things. The hardest things to see, hear or be confided in about are the many forms of abuse that are inflicted on children in this world.

Physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse (which hurts worse and leaves scars longer than physical abuse). It is everywhere. In our communities, on the TV, on the radio, on the Internet mail news splash pages… it seems inescapable!  The hardest place to find such situations happening is right before one’s eyes.

Why? Why do adults hurt children in so many ways? Why do they take out their sexual aberrancy, their suppressed rage, their homicidal tendencies, their fractured psyches… all on children? Do they know what they are doing? To they see the tears? Do they hear the pleas for cessation of the madness?

I don’t have any of those answers. But I do know that young people: you “shouldn’t have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh”… or your psyche.

One of my favorite professors once said the following regarding young people who must cope with, and survive, abusive childhoods:

“If that child has at least one person in their life whose face lights up when they walk in a room… they are going to be alright.”

May we all have that face in our world that lights up when we walk in the room–because we are all wounded children on some level. And also, because of that, may we all BE that shining face that lights up when young people in our world walk in the room.

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Protected: Bridge Out…

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